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The school year has begun and this time my girl joined the throng - white sock and black leather shoe clad with a school bag dwarfing her tiny frame. With much excitement and a few moments of overwhelm I'm thankful to say she's settled beautifully. Ah the relief. But what with all this worry and preparation hinged on her transition I gave no thought to me; my feelings, my adjustment. It crept up on my somewhere in the middle of the second week when the dust had settled. The flurry of newness gave way to the reality of school and it's day in day out nature. My role has shifted and I'm feeling lost. I'm longing for our gentle days where domestic rhythms guided our way rather than school bells and constant food preparation. I'm resenting the uniformity of it all, the structure...the clock. And I'm missing my girl.
Hyper organisation seems to be a trait I've inherited from Mum and while it aids in a certain calmness and routine it doesn't come without its payoffs. My daily movements have become all robotic and regimented and I am forever watching the clock. I'm catching myself with with scrunched up shoulders flitting from task to task with hurried movements and a certain level of pressure (self inflicted of course).
My head tells me that all change comes hand in hand with some anxiety and that time is the greatest healer. So I'm treading gently until my heart catches on to the notion. Early bed times are being mandated not only for weary poppets but for myself also. And small treats of a few lovely magazines, lunch time naps on the lounge and milkshakes out with my little man to bolster me as I adjust. Cleaning has been pared back to basics and meals have been nourishing yet simple - lots of soups, salads and graze plates.
I'm not going to view this as wallowing or even self indulgence but rather accepting that this chapter will take some time to embrace. And it's going to hurt a little. I really believe that a calm and positive Mumma infuses a home with peace so I'm going to do whatever is needed to find my happy place. I need to find my feet in this altered role and see where I fit in this new world. I need to allow time for new rhythms to unfold. I need to be kind to myself. I need to go gently.
Steph x
You should homeschool your little girl:)
ReplyDeleteCarleene
yes, always big adjustments and it doesn't change as they get older. I'm just trying to get used to my littlest baby being in year 9!! Roles change, it takes some getting used to, but all so lovely watching my boys becoming young men. It's not without benefits too, my 19 year old is oiling the deck at this moment :)
ReplyDeleteLook after yourself x
I so agree that a calm and positive (and happy) mum brings peace to the home. Must be why my home is a bit tense at the moment. Thank you for reminding me (right when I need it) to take care of my self and to go gently. I hope you find a new rhythm soon. x
ReplyDeleteOh love, yes, go gently... I have difficulty adjusting even now to Anaru's advancements in ability etc etc... I look ahead to school and I quickly look away again... biggest love to you and your darling girl... oh, letting go (even a little) is so hard to do... xxxx
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a normal reaction. It is with a sense of pride with which you send them on the way, but it is accompanied by a sense of mourning at what is being lost - that time when you were their all. I had tears before I sent my little one to preschool this year, and my husband was totally incredulous "but she is only 3, it is not like she is leaving home". Maybe not, but, for me anyway, it feels like this is the first step in her journey to independence. Might be controversial but I think the first step to school is felt even more when you have stayed home with them....I can count on one hand the number of days I have been apart from my little girl....and most of those were having her baby brother.
ReplyDeleteRe. the anonymous comment above, I thought at one stage you had considered homeschooling....but I may have you confused with another blogger. I know that for me, as we had strongly considered homeschooling, the conventional school path - while I can see the benefits - again comes with that "what could have been" feeling.
Enjoy your milkshakes with your little man....I find op-shopping with only one small in tow helps as well:) We spent this morning (preschool day) having a very indulgent baby cino and sharing some boardbooks we had just op-shopped.
Such a beautiful honest post Steph. I so remember feeling just this way when River started school, I found becoming a school mum so hard on many levels. I highly recommend a trip to your local library to find yourself a copy of Sarah Napthali's 'Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren', Sarah's words were sooo comforting to me in that first year. I have good news for you though, I have found my way as a school mum and actually enjoy it now! As our children grow so do we. You are very wise to be going slow. Take care xx
ReplyDeleteI can empathise. I work away from Ginger four days of the week and it kills me. Such a very hard transition, but I am happy to hear your girl is doing well xox
ReplyDeleteI am in exactly in the same place as you...
ReplyDeleteStill struggling to adjust to this new stage of life and doing my best to find that 'happy place.'
Lots of love,
Ronnie xo