The school year has begun and this time my girl joined the throng - white sock and black leather shoe clad with a school bag dwarfing her tiny frame. With much excitement and a few moments of overwhelm I'm thankful to say she's settled beautifully. Ah the relief. But what with all this worry and preparation hinged on her transition I gave no thought to me; my feelings, my adjustment. It crept up on my somewhere in the middle of the second week when the dust had settled. The flurry of newness gave way to the reality of school and it's day in day out nature. My role has shifted and I'm feeling lost. I'm longing for our gentle days where domestic rhythms guided our way rather than school bells and constant food preparation. I'm resenting the uniformity of it all, the structure...the clock. And I'm missing my girl.
Hyper organisation seems to be a trait I've inherited from Mum and while it aids in a certain calmness and routine it doesn't come without its payoffs. My daily movements have become all robotic and regimented and I am forever watching the clock. I'm catching myself with with scrunched up shoulders flitting from task to task with hurried movements and a certain level of pressure (self inflicted of course).
My head tells me that all change comes hand in hand with some anxiety and that time is the greatest healer. So I'm treading gently until my heart catches on to the notion. Early bed times are being mandated not only for weary poppets but for myself also. And small treats of a few lovely magazines, lunch time naps on the lounge and milkshakes out with my little man to bolster me as I adjust. Cleaning has been pared back to basics and meals have been nourishing yet simple - lots of soups, salads and graze plates.
I'm not going to view this as wallowing or even self indulgence but rather accepting that this chapter will take some time to embrace. And it's going to hurt a little. I really believe that a calm and positive Mumma infuses a home with peace so I'm going to do whatever is needed to find my happy place. I need to find my feet in this altered role and see where I fit in this new world. I need to allow time for new rhythms to unfold. I need to be kind to myself. I need to go gently.